Im having a really rough night, and I dont have anyone I trust to talk to, so I figure I can just yell to the world and see what echoes back.
I have an awful body image. Not like when a girl sort of ask her boyfriend "does this make me look fat" in a fishing for compliments kind of way, but a truly terrible awful body image. I have something called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and that means I really dont see the truth when I look in the mirror. But knowing that, cognitavely, I am still attractive, and looking in the mirror and seeing it and believing it are entirely different things.
I've never actually been diagnosed with a full on ED before, and for that I am extremely grateful, but ive spent my entire adult life, since adolecence, hovering on the edge, afraid of falling in to that vicious cycle.
I wish there was a way to explain it to people so they understood what goes through my mind, but when i tell people they inevitably think im fishing for compliments, or they think im selfish or rude because theyre bigger than i am and obviously my feelings dont matter since theyre struggling with being 300 lb and I just have these few measly vanity lb to lose.
But thats not how it feels, it feels like when I walk I am weighted by a blimp around my waist, ive gained weight in the past couple years and no one is ignoring it. Especially my family, at my sisters bat mitzvah my dad told me i was getting fat, at yom kippur this last weekend my mom very frankly told me "youve gained weight, you know that, right?"
I no longer go to the shops to buy new, cute, trendy clothes, because I dread trying them on. I nearly cry just thinking about getting undressed in one of those changing rooms, surrounded by mirrors and unforgiving florescent lights. I dont go out to the club as often, getting dressed up for it sends me into an anxiety attack. I hate showering, seeing my body and washing my fat (i do it anyways, obviously...). I swing between being terrified of eating and just saying "fuck it, nothing else has worked, I may as well have pizza." And then, when I get too full, i have to sit on my hands and force myself not to run to the bathroom to throw up whatever I just ate.
I keep trying to lose weight healthily, but it feels like a losing battle. I no longer want to have sex with my boyfriend of two years, because i feel like some sort of sow climbing on him.
I really have no idea what to do. And i have no one to talk to about it. My stepmom just tells me to work out, my dad just shrugs, my mom tells me to try some new agey piece of bs, and my boyfriend, while he tries to be helpful, just isnt. He just doesnt understand that when I feel like this, telling me that he wants me to be healthy and work out and eat right doesnt help, it doesnt help me get to a healthy mindset. And I know if i can just get to a healthier mindset I can be at peace with myself.
So why wont working out help? That is a simple answer, because I already know that no matter how much I lose weight, I will stand in front of the mirror and hate myself. I did it at 99 lb in high school and i do it now when I over around 135. I dont get on the scale, because it just makes me hopeless, and i try not to think about it, because hopeless doesnt help. Hopeless makes me give up and not care, not even try to work out or eat healthy, just gorge on whatever the hell it is i want to eat and not move from my comfy bed, because I am terrified that if i start working out regularly I will have to fight my entire life to be thin and I still wont manage it.
My idols arent supermodels, but rather athletes, i envy them for what they can do, their muscular figures and nearly superhuman abilities. I know, that in better shape, I am a good dancer, a reasonably decent gymnast, a promising aerialist, a foil fencer, capoeirista, and all around energetic person, but once again, knowing it in my head, on a logical level, isnt the same as feeling that its true.
But i just feel like i cant, like when i get home from class and work that i just need to collapse on my bed and do nothing, because if i start fighting then its just a fight forever. I feel like theres an impossible standard that i can never measure up to, it feels hopeless, and why try? Why shouldnt I go get cheese from the fridge at 2 am and eat it all?
My boyfriend tries to be supportive, but he just doesnt know now, and i dont know how to help him learn how to help me. Hell, i don't even know how to help myself at this point. I do wish he was more helpful and supportive of helping me get motivated to work out, helping me feel like eating better and being more active is making a difference, instead of me feeling alone and helpless. He is in the army, and aside from being away most of the time, hes in fantastic shape. He also eats anything he wants, tons of ice cream, chocolate, greasy foods. It makes it so difficult because i keep trying to eat healthier and he takes me to a burger place, or gets a big bowl of ice cream while we watch a movie and proceeds to share it with me in the sickeningly adorable way that he does. And the crazy thing is is that i dont even have much of a sweet tooth, without him around I hardly eat candy or ice cream. So why is it, that the one time a month that I eat ice cream, do i feel so guilty I want to cry? Or the one soda I have a week (usually a strawberry fanta to help me through my sunday workday) makes me feel like i dont have a right to it, and I feel so damn guilty for drinking it?
Sorry, I'm rambling, I just dont know what to do. I should probably see a therapist, but I dont even know what to tell them.
I mean, ive spent most of my life with people telling me I am small. And people still tell me that, even though, as weve established, I dont feel it. And by saying how i feel, truthfully, I feel like people think im lying, or fishing for compliments. I am afraid to express these feelings, even to a shrink, and I just have no idea what to do.
-Fin-
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fat talk
I know that I am not fat.
I know I am curvy, that I have hips, breasts and an hourglass figure.
I know I have a pooch, ample thighs, and generous arms.
But I also know, that at 130 lb, 5ft tall, 34-28-36, I am overweight.
I know I am curvy, that I have hips, breasts and an hourglass figure.
I know I have a pooch, ample thighs, and generous arms.
But I also know, that at 130 lb, 5ft tall, 34-28-36, I am overweight.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
My thoughts on the science of losing weight. (part 1?)
Losing weight is hard, but the science behind it isnt. Its math, easy math at that, even though I hate math even I can do this type.
Losing weight at its base, no matter which fad diet you follow or excercise type you do, is just burning more than you take in, but still taking in enough to function healthily and build muscle.
It comes down to calories, which most of us dont really understand anyway. Most of us think that calories are something in our food, and that they make us fat. That isnt the case at all, calories, like time or inches, are an arbitrary unit of measurement. One calorie is the energy needed to raise the temperature of 1 gram of water through 1 °C (now usually defined as 4.1868 joules). That being said, one pound of fat is 3,500 calories.
What that means is that food gives your body fuel, which raises your core temperature which in turn is the action of burning calories at work. So you see, calories aren't the devil. Sure, we need to take in less of them so that burning enough of them is do-able, however if we don't take in enough though we don't have the energy our body needs to function properly. And if we REALLY don't take in enough then we send our body into "starvation mode" in which our body saves everything, so that we don't end calories in excess at ALL.
That means, simply enough, that you need to burn 3,500 more calories than you take in, in order lose one pound. Some people burn calories easier than others, but losing weight isn't really easy for pretty much anyone. It is hard work, a combination of eating appropriate amounts, and making the calories that you do consume count, and working hard, doing cardio and building muscle.
By eating healthy calories, instead of just whatever falls on your plate, you get the most bang for your buck. While I am not a doctor or expert, everything I know about losing weight teaches me that while you may lose weight on a super-low calorie diet, or a diet that is composed of zero carbs, or some other "fad" diet, it is not sustainable in the long run. Ideally, if you eat cleanly, and do not deprive yourself of your favorites, but rather find replacements or have your ice cream and cookies in moderation, you will be well on the road to a healthier self. By depriving yourself, you only cause yourself to binge on these unhealthy favorites in a moment of weakness. Plan your indescretions, and they won't set you back.
Like I said, I am not a doctor or even an expert in weight loss, however I have been battling my own willpower and genetics long enough to have a general knowledge of what works. Now that I have gone through the basic science behind how and why our bodies lose weight, I'll tell you what I do. And keep in mind that not only am I not a doctor or an expert, I am still figuring out just exactly how weight loss works for me best.
The big thing for me is that I absolutely never think about keeping myself healthy in terms of "diet" or "losing weight" or even just pounds. I don't put a number on happiness with my body, in fact I usually stay away from the scale as a whole. I find it depressing and as a woman especially my weight fluctuates widely with the time of month and day to day water weight. I don't "diet", because to me "diet" means I am depriving myself of something, and when I reach my ambiguous goal then I can have said thing. This is fallacious, any changes I make to my diet are not temporary or impossible to keep up with, they are permanent, a lifestyle change. And this is why I don't do weekend diets or cookie diets or atkins or anything else. Because for me, telling myself that if I eat nothing but cabbage and steak for six months doesnt work, because then when I lose the weight, I would gain it right back when I return to my regular daily diet. So any changes I make are to my lifestyle and my way of eating as a whole.
Still on the whole food thing, I keep track of what I eat. Less is not always better, and I track my calories to make sure I am in the window of getting enough but not too much. There are great calculators online for this, which is what I use, but if you are just starting out talk to a doctor, nutritionist, or even a qualified personal trainer in order to find out what number is best for you. I dont remember where, but somewhere I read that weight that is slower lost stays off longer than weight that you force off fast. I dont remember where I read that, but to me that makes sense. If i eat 1200 calories a day, I won't be losing 2 lbs a week (which, no matter what any fad diets force your body into is the maximum you should be aiming to lose per week), I will probably be losing half that or maybe even less. But because it is something I can sustain in the long term, wheras if i eat the absolute minimum possible, i'll just get frustrated and as soon as I lose ten pounds order and eat an entire large pizza...LoL.
Now that we have grazed over the idea of food (hehe, bad pun, see what i did there!?), I just want to talk quickly on the concept of exercise. In order to maximize your weight loss potential it is necessary to do both cardio and strength training. In order to drop weight cardio is the most important step, but building muscle is important for tone, as well as in its resting state, your body will burn more calories just naturally the more muscle you have. Working out is different for everyone, some people love the solitude of going to the gym and popping in earbuds and just running around a track and lifting weights. For me, and for a lot of people, that takes a level of discipline that I just don't have. Not to mention, I think its boring and I don't do well with being bored. I have to love what I am doing or else I wont do it. So what I do is I join classes, like dance or zumba or whatever interests you at your local gym. For cardio, the big important part is that you are raising your heart rate for 20-30 minutes. By raising your heart rate you raise your core temperature, which in turn burns calories, which we discussed earlier. I do dance (belly dance), aerial silks, as well as learning to hula hoop better and spin poi on my off days. Some days I do workout videos, which are easy to find on sale in half price book stores or just borrow from friends. I have to change it up, because if i try to do the same thing all the time I get bored, and we already talked about how me and boredom dont get along.
Next is strength training, which, for people losing weight is often overlooked, especially for women because we fear "getting bulky". We as women have heard everything from lifting lighter weights and doing more repetitions to simply not lifting weights as all. Just to put it frankly, that's all a load of crap. The super bulky muscular women you see on bodybuilding shows have to work their asses off to look like that, and a lot of them are on steroids or other performance enhancing substances or hormones to make their bodies bulk up. As women, our genetics work against us building muscle in the same places as men, not that its impossible, but it just wont happen unless your trying for it. So, that being said, lift those heavy weights, or if they aren't heavy, just lift some! Otherwise when all that excess weight drops off, you will be what is delicately referred to as "skinny fat", which is being your ideal size but without tone. Trust me, take it from someone who does a fair bit of strength training with heavier weights (I consider aerial silk strength training, and the weight I lift is myself), you wont accidentally get a six pack.
Your goal should be a healthier you, and not necessarily a skinnier one, though as a result of healthy lifestyle changes a healthier weight is inevitable. Understand that not all of us are built to look like Giselle Bundchen or Penelope Cruz and that in order to look like that its a full time job for most of us with average metabolisms and lifestyles. I for one am just under 5 ft, with ample thighs and bum (a trademark of my genetics) that aren't going to look like Keira Knightly's no matter how much I run or jump for it.
So that concludes my basic little rant about losing weight. I am going to put this disclaimer here once again: I am not a doctor or a health professional, please do your own research and talk to your doctor or other professional before an extreme change in diet or exercise lifestyle. I advocate a healthy way of life, both mentally and physically. If you are extremely overweight or underweight, your doctor likely has specific instructions and goals for you to follow, please listen to him/her before you listen to me, they went to school for that stuff.
:-)
I expect I will make other posts on the subject later, but for now this is a good start.
Losing weight at its base, no matter which fad diet you follow or excercise type you do, is just burning more than you take in, but still taking in enough to function healthily and build muscle.
It comes down to calories, which most of us dont really understand anyway. Most of us think that calories are something in our food, and that they make us fat. That isnt the case at all, calories, like time or inches, are an arbitrary unit of measurement. One calorie is the energy needed to raise the temperature of 1 gram of water through 1 °C (now usually defined as 4.1868 joules). That being said, one pound of fat is 3,500 calories.
What that means is that food gives your body fuel, which raises your core temperature which in turn is the action of burning calories at work. So you see, calories aren't the devil. Sure, we need to take in less of them so that burning enough of them is do-able, however if we don't take in enough though we don't have the energy our body needs to function properly. And if we REALLY don't take in enough then we send our body into "starvation mode" in which our body saves everything, so that we don't end calories in excess at ALL.
That means, simply enough, that you need to burn 3,500 more calories than you take in, in order lose one pound. Some people burn calories easier than others, but losing weight isn't really easy for pretty much anyone. It is hard work, a combination of eating appropriate amounts, and making the calories that you do consume count, and working hard, doing cardio and building muscle.
By eating healthy calories, instead of just whatever falls on your plate, you get the most bang for your buck. While I am not a doctor or expert, everything I know about losing weight teaches me that while you may lose weight on a super-low calorie diet, or a diet that is composed of zero carbs, or some other "fad" diet, it is not sustainable in the long run. Ideally, if you eat cleanly, and do not deprive yourself of your favorites, but rather find replacements or have your ice cream and cookies in moderation, you will be well on the road to a healthier self. By depriving yourself, you only cause yourself to binge on these unhealthy favorites in a moment of weakness. Plan your indescretions, and they won't set you back.
Like I said, I am not a doctor or even an expert in weight loss, however I have been battling my own willpower and genetics long enough to have a general knowledge of what works. Now that I have gone through the basic science behind how and why our bodies lose weight, I'll tell you what I do. And keep in mind that not only am I not a doctor or an expert, I am still figuring out just exactly how weight loss works for me best.
The big thing for me is that I absolutely never think about keeping myself healthy in terms of "diet" or "losing weight" or even just pounds. I don't put a number on happiness with my body, in fact I usually stay away from the scale as a whole. I find it depressing and as a woman especially my weight fluctuates widely with the time of month and day to day water weight. I don't "diet", because to me "diet" means I am depriving myself of something, and when I reach my ambiguous goal then I can have said thing. This is fallacious, any changes I make to my diet are not temporary or impossible to keep up with, they are permanent, a lifestyle change. And this is why I don't do weekend diets or cookie diets or atkins or anything else. Because for me, telling myself that if I eat nothing but cabbage and steak for six months doesnt work, because then when I lose the weight, I would gain it right back when I return to my regular daily diet. So any changes I make are to my lifestyle and my way of eating as a whole.
Still on the whole food thing, I keep track of what I eat. Less is not always better, and I track my calories to make sure I am in the window of getting enough but not too much. There are great calculators online for this, which is what I use, but if you are just starting out talk to a doctor, nutritionist, or even a qualified personal trainer in order to find out what number is best for you. I dont remember where, but somewhere I read that weight that is slower lost stays off longer than weight that you force off fast. I dont remember where I read that, but to me that makes sense. If i eat 1200 calories a day, I won't be losing 2 lbs a week (which, no matter what any fad diets force your body into is the maximum you should be aiming to lose per week), I will probably be losing half that or maybe even less. But because it is something I can sustain in the long term, wheras if i eat the absolute minimum possible, i'll just get frustrated and as soon as I lose ten pounds order and eat an entire large pizza...LoL.
Now that we have grazed over the idea of food (hehe, bad pun, see what i did there!?), I just want to talk quickly on the concept of exercise. In order to maximize your weight loss potential it is necessary to do both cardio and strength training. In order to drop weight cardio is the most important step, but building muscle is important for tone, as well as in its resting state, your body will burn more calories just naturally the more muscle you have. Working out is different for everyone, some people love the solitude of going to the gym and popping in earbuds and just running around a track and lifting weights. For me, and for a lot of people, that takes a level of discipline that I just don't have. Not to mention, I think its boring and I don't do well with being bored. I have to love what I am doing or else I wont do it. So what I do is I join classes, like dance or zumba or whatever interests you at your local gym. For cardio, the big important part is that you are raising your heart rate for 20-30 minutes. By raising your heart rate you raise your core temperature, which in turn burns calories, which we discussed earlier. I do dance (belly dance), aerial silks, as well as learning to hula hoop better and spin poi on my off days. Some days I do workout videos, which are easy to find on sale in half price book stores or just borrow from friends. I have to change it up, because if i try to do the same thing all the time I get bored, and we already talked about how me and boredom dont get along.
Next is strength training, which, for people losing weight is often overlooked, especially for women because we fear "getting bulky". We as women have heard everything from lifting lighter weights and doing more repetitions to simply not lifting weights as all. Just to put it frankly, that's all a load of crap. The super bulky muscular women you see on bodybuilding shows have to work their asses off to look like that, and a lot of them are on steroids or other performance enhancing substances or hormones to make their bodies bulk up. As women, our genetics work against us building muscle in the same places as men, not that its impossible, but it just wont happen unless your trying for it. So, that being said, lift those heavy weights, or if they aren't heavy, just lift some! Otherwise when all that excess weight drops off, you will be what is delicately referred to as "skinny fat", which is being your ideal size but without tone. Trust me, take it from someone who does a fair bit of strength training with heavier weights (I consider aerial silk strength training, and the weight I lift is myself), you wont accidentally get a six pack.
Your goal should be a healthier you, and not necessarily a skinnier one, though as a result of healthy lifestyle changes a healthier weight is inevitable. Understand that not all of us are built to look like Giselle Bundchen or Penelope Cruz and that in order to look like that its a full time job for most of us with average metabolisms and lifestyles. I for one am just under 5 ft, with ample thighs and bum (a trademark of my genetics) that aren't going to look like Keira Knightly's no matter how much I run or jump for it.
So that concludes my basic little rant about losing weight. I am going to put this disclaimer here once again: I am not a doctor or a health professional, please do your own research and talk to your doctor or other professional before an extreme change in diet or exercise lifestyle. I advocate a healthy way of life, both mentally and physically. If you are extremely overweight or underweight, your doctor likely has specific instructions and goals for you to follow, please listen to him/her before you listen to me, they went to school for that stuff.
:-)
I expect I will make other posts on the subject later, but for now this is a good start.
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